Because that's all I have. A vision. My child exists only in my heart and head. I see him or her emerging, blinking at the brightness of life, from his or her mother. OK, for the purposes of this blog - which I hope will help to bring my child to me - I shall refer to "it" in the masculine. If only to keep it simpler.
So I see him being cradled, somewhat bloodied but beautiful, in loving arms. My eager arms. And those of his mother - caring, nurturing, comforting... and shaking with joy.
Ah, his mother. I have not yet met her. And I don't know where to find her. I need her. If only to produce for me the child I desire so much. Yes. That is all I require. A woman who wants a child as much as I.
A child we can share. With equal responsibility. For whom we will care. Equally. Whom we will create, nurture, teach, guide, encourage, mentor, educate, grow, build, shape, raise, lift. And love. Unconditionally. And share the changing of grossly smelly nappies (diapers). A woman who will, with me, rise to the challenges all parents encounter in raising a child. Face up to the pitfalls. Make the sacrifices. Make the change. Make the child. Have the fun and feel the love. Laugh. Appreciate. And love.
Not each other. Not necessarily. No. But we love the child. Do everything for him. It's all about the child.
So where do I find such a woman? A person not looking necessarily for love or a relationship. But a person who might share with me the dream of bringing into our world - or worlds - a beautiful being which will enhance our lives. Enrich us. Disappoint us. Frustrate us. Challenge us. Test us. And provide us with the final piece to fulfill us.
No, I'm not anywhere near sure that my dream is possible. That it is at all practical. That it will work. But I want to believe it. I have a friend who is a respected parenting skills counsellor and she, experienced as she is with working with parents - both in and out of intimate relationships - who are unable to cope with the challenge of bringing up baby, is convinced that my idea might work.
So why, at age 53, have I not yet produced the child of which I so dream? Good question. I am twice-divorced. Have had a few other long-term relationships. None have proved fertile territory for growing children. My first marriage, founded in my 20s, was highly passionate and unpredictable... and too combustible. Combust it did.
My second marriage had huge potential for creating the nuclear family that we are conditioned to believe is the ideal. But K was, or is, infertile. No amount of visits to the gynaecologist and fertility treatment - and there were - was going to change that. For some years, I resigned myself to remaining childless. And then that marriage crashed on to those jagged and treacherous rocks always unmapped on wedding day.
Ironically, when I was just 19 and reckless and immature, I had made two women pregnant. Both terminated our unborn children while I was off doing silly 19-year-old things. Just as well. How different my life path would have been. And, at that tender and ignorant age, how terrible a father I would have proved to be.
So it is as it is. I am childless. And, with all of this behind me and not desirous of a long and all-encompassing relationship, I seek an unconventional arrangement to bring to an end my long search. My quest to be the wonderful father I know I can be. I adore children. I love being around them. Children bring out the light, the joy, the freedom in me of being a child. Of being child-like. And children are always drawn to me and the want in me to be around them.
Oh, how I want to father and be father to a child which is the fruit of my loins. But where shall I find a woman who feels almost exactly the same way? Has the same want? And the courage and free thinking to enter into an agreement with me to co-create and co-parent a child without all the strings usually attached by being in a committed relationship?
My quest continues...
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