So, will it be third time lucky?

The early-morning sun, a great big yellow African ball of fire, is bouncing off the Indian Ocean and into my eyes. I am blinded. A broken heart is blind. I am not broken. But I am blinded and can barely see the screen on which some words, seemingly random, are appearing.

And, as I sit here at Cafe Java in Umdloti and watch the surfer boys get as one with the waves that peel off in perpetuity, I don't really have the words to truly express my feelings. I got the call at 6.30am this morning from Caro to say that the pregnancy test had come up negative. For the second time. Her tears felt close to me. They dripped on to my heart and burned a wound in my hope.

But we pick ourselves up and look forward to a fortnight's time, when I will produce the sperm that will give us what we so desperately desire. Our child. I shall do everything in my power this time to make my swimmers Thorpedo-like, sleek and muscled, cutting vigorously and effortlessly through the fluids and tissue to find Caroline's eggs. This will happen.

And I will visualise and meditate and gaze up at the moon in all of its phases to ask my mother a million times to send our spirit baby down to fulfill his destiny. He shall come to pass.

And that, as I sit here, the sounds of young children chattering exuberantly as they head to the beach with their parents, their bubbling beach-burble rising tantalisingly around me, is all I have got.

I shall join them soon, the grains of golden sands sliding between my toes, the waves crashing with eternal promise in my ears... as I go in search of that great fertility symbol of yesteryear, the elusive cowrie shell.

My true path to happiness lies in runes...

It has been five days since Caroline and I attempted the second insemination. I just called her to ask how she is.

"I've had no symptoms," she told me, "but, earlier this morning, while I was teaching and writing on the blackboard, I felt some twinges. Will, I'm trying not to get too carried away with every little thing that I might feel."

Understood. Expectations are being held down. We have felt disappointment. This is so big for both of us.

This morning, while Caroline was feeling twinges that may or may not mean anything, I did a runecast.

I have been using runes for a few months now. A wise woman said a long time ago that they would work for me. I now know that they do. I've felt an increasing connection with - and confidence about using - my 25 little sawn-off pieces of milkwood branch (one I found that had broken from my special tree).

I share here with you the results of my runecast...

"Thursday, 19/4/2012

Runecast: My Query... where to goes my heart now... my true path.... where is my home?

1. The problem... DAEG: Pos - Increase and growth... slow and steady... much to do with attitude... a major change... something so radical that you will never live your life in the same way again... a new start... make best of situation over which you have no control. Things will get better, perhaps through an outside agency. Could also mean being exposed to a new way of life or of thinking.... even a religious enlightenment.

2. The course of action... BEORC: Pos - Fertility rune, birth and of the family. Represents your mother or your children, an event which brings joy to the family, such as a birth or wedding. Beorc represents your true home, the "home where your heart is" as opposed to where you are living now. Beorc always presages a birth, whether it is an actual birth or the formation of an idea. Go with care and awareness. Any plans should be implemented now. When positive, a fortunate outcome to any question asked; surrounded by positive runes, Beorc shows a favourable outcome. For people who wish to have children but have had no luck, this rune signifies eventual success, especially when paired with ING.

3. What is likely to come about... WUNJO: Pos - Represents joy and happiness coming into your life. Excellent omen and indicates a positive outcome of whatever is troubling you at this time. The shift that was due has arrived, the Wheel of Karma has turned in your favour and you are about to "come to yourself" in some way. Be happy! In combination with other runes, it indicates success in whatever areas they rule (DAEG - growth, change, new life, new thinking; BEORC - birth, family, my true home, children). Wunjo will signify the object of the inquirer's affections, shows some activity undertaken with this person ending in a happy result. Signifies joy in one's work, especially if creative or artistic. Shows that this creative element is very important to personal happiness and wellbeing."

I have been living in limbo, not at all sure about where I should be, who I should be with... and what on earth I am actually playing at! But I am being constantly reminded that I am presently operating out of a higher purpose. and that, in the fullness of time, what I am going through will become clearly understood.

This runecast goes a very long way to reassuring me that I am, indeed, on my true path.

Mom, it is time for you to send my child to me...

Tomorrow morning Caroline and I will make our second attempt at artificial insemination. This time my sperm will be filtered and processed, the most vigorous swimmers among my spermatozoa selected, and an intrauterine insertion performed on Caroline.

This the most targeted insemination that can be done. Hope springs internal.

Please, those few of you who will read this, hold thumbs for us. Project Egg, while feeling like the completely correct thing to do, has taken its toll on my relationship with Susan. My solo search for a child is, understandably, hugely difficult for her. I accept without reservation that it has asked far too much of her to embrace my collaboration with another woman to create a child. 

I know that it can be viewed as an act of extreme disloyalty. To me, it isn't. But this is how it feels to Susan. It has hurt her deeply. As deeply as the place in which her own children were conceived. In her uterus. Pain. Hers and mine.

Everything seems to be in limbo. I live in limbo, holding on. Holding on to a dream. Holding on to the "Sandcastle Scenario" I have described in previous blogposts. My golden vision.

But artificially inseminating somebody outside of a loving relationship, while trying to maintain my loving relationship, is not at all the conventional way to go about bringing a much-wanted child into this world. It is unusual, strange to some. Even unpalatable to others. That is why I want to thank my friends and the good people in the circle around Project Egg for their support and words of reassurance and kindness. You know who you are. I can't thank you enough. It is your belief in me and my dream that continues to sustain me.

You help me to believe in my "Leap of Faith". Right now, faith is all I have. Tomorrow, the birth of a microcosmic organism might be possible. Like the tiniest green shoot in a desert. 

Is it time for my mother in the spiritual realm to release to me the child spirit that she is holding for me?

Please will it to happen. I want this so much that it hurts.

Her words are keeping me going...

It didn't work. The first insemination did not "take".

"Egg" continues to wait patiently in spirit.

Caroline was very disappointed. In tears. I soothed. I sounded like my mother. "He will come when the time is right. There's a right time for everything." And then, sounding more like myself: "Keep the faith."

I'm trying desperately hard to keep the faith. "Egg" hasn't come. And Susan feels further away than ever.

I am hanging on to these words. They are the words of my wondrous "spiritualist woman", Verna, who I went to see on Friday last week:

"... I think this is a spiritual soul thing you're feeling... I don't think it's an earthly thought or decision that you're making... your wish to be a father... because your mother is holding a baby... in the world of spirit... and that's why you are prepared to put all your money on red... or black... on this roulette wheel... um, I've got your mother holding a baby... and this baby is connected to you... so... even if mentally you worked out that this is not right, this is not going to work... you know, Susan comes first... you would have resented her... for the rest of your life...

"This is a soul choice... your whole being wants this child... there was no question of an adopted baby... because it's as if this child belongs to you... this child wants your genes... this child needs you in it... for some spiritual reason... the child your mother is holding is very gentle, very caring... very spiritual, very aware... and very important. And you already have had a past life together... um, only now do I understand this strong pull in you to go through with this... with the sacrifices you are probably going to have to make... but I'll have a look at that just now...

"Um, this child shows me... digging with a spade, planting trees... fixing Mother Earth... um, smelling the flowers... uh, digging a trench along... joining... uh, all to do with Nature... and the peace... and the freedom! This child... doesn't even need two parents... doesn't need... it's just a matter of getting to Earth... just a matter of getting to Earth... um, very independent later on.., ja, nice to have parents, great, love you, thanks... but I've got work to do... later on, OK? Very musical, very creative, but very earthy... earthy, earthy, earthy! 

"Um, I think they [Mom & child?] tried to get you involved earlier on with a lady that... who could have a child, but it didn't quite work... did they? [Me: "There have been a couple... actually, four or five... but, for one or another reason, it didn't work out..."]... Aaah! They tried... they got these women who could have babies to cross your path... in case it kinda worked, y'know? So... um, please let me know what happens tomorrow [Caroline to do pregnancy test]... but, um, you often have to make love more than once to have a baby... so you often have to inseminate more than once... [Verna knew that it wasn't going to work first time!]... but they're not telling me... they won't tell me. But another baby's meant to be born... so, if it doesn't work out... this kid's got to come down... there's a higher purpose... a spiritual soul purpose for this kid...

And I'm not sure why there's this connection to you... but there is... uh, you're going to be like a guardian for this child... a guardian... you will set him down a certain path... that is creative thinking... um, so I can actually understand your point when you say you don't have to be there 24/7... but you're going to be more meaningful to the child than you realise... so, um, your Mom just put the little boy down to rest, I think it's a little boy... I can't be 100% sure but I think it's a boy... I think I think that because of all the things I saw... it's not to say a girl can't do all of that... but there's a very strong male energy... can't be sure... and they won't tell me 100%... in case you guys choose not to know... the sex."

Yes, these are the words that keep me believing. And I do believe. I know all of this to be true. In the meantime, as a mere earthling, I am in some weird sort of limbo, a place where I have cast my love - even my life - aside to walk the path that is before me. I am simply trying not to feel every bump on this journey... while I wait for my mother to find the right way - and right time - to deliver our boy to Caroline and I. And, hopefully, to Susan too.