Mom, it is time for you to send my child to me...

Tomorrow morning Caroline and I will make our second attempt at artificial insemination. This time my sperm will be filtered and processed, the most vigorous swimmers among my spermatozoa selected, and an intrauterine insertion performed on Caroline.

This the most targeted insemination that can be done. Hope springs internal.

Please, those few of you who will read this, hold thumbs for us. Project Egg, while feeling like the completely correct thing to do, has taken its toll on my relationship with Susan. My solo search for a child is, understandably, hugely difficult for her. I accept without reservation that it has asked far too much of her to embrace my collaboration with another woman to create a child. 

I know that it can be viewed as an act of extreme disloyalty. To me, it isn't. But this is how it feels to Susan. It has hurt her deeply. As deeply as the place in which her own children were conceived. In her uterus. Pain. Hers and mine.

Everything seems to be in limbo. I live in limbo, holding on. Holding on to a dream. Holding on to the "Sandcastle Scenario" I have described in previous blogposts. My golden vision.

But artificially inseminating somebody outside of a loving relationship, while trying to maintain my loving relationship, is not at all the conventional way to go about bringing a much-wanted child into this world. It is unusual, strange to some. Even unpalatable to others. That is why I want to thank my friends and the good people in the circle around Project Egg for their support and words of reassurance and kindness. You know who you are. I can't thank you enough. It is your belief in me and my dream that continues to sustain me.

You help me to believe in my "Leap of Faith". Right now, faith is all I have. Tomorrow, the birth of a microcosmic organism might be possible. Like the tiniest green shoot in a desert. 

Is it time for my mother in the spiritual realm to release to me the child spirit that she is holding for me?

Please will it to happen. I want this so much that it hurts.