"Egg" continues to wait patiently in spirit.
Caroline was very disappointed. In tears. I soothed. I sounded like my mother. "He will come when the time is right. There's a right time for everything." And then, sounding more like myself: "Keep the faith."
I'm trying desperately hard to keep the faith. "Egg" hasn't come. And Susan feels further away than ever.
I am hanging on to these words. They are the words of my wondrous "spiritualist woman", Verna, who I went to see on Friday last week:
"... I think this is a spiritual soul thing you're feeling... I don't think it's an earthly thought or decision that you're making... your wish to be a father... because your mother is holding a baby... in the world of spirit... and that's why you are prepared to put all your money on red... or black... on this roulette wheel... um, I've got your mother holding a baby... and this baby is connected to you... so... even if mentally you worked out that this is not right, this is not going to work... you know, Susan comes first... you would have resented her... for the rest of your life...
"This is a soul choice... your whole being wants this child... there was no question of an adopted baby... because it's as if this child belongs to you... this child wants your genes... this child needs you in it... for some spiritual reason... the child your mother is holding is very gentle, very caring... very spiritual, very aware... and very important. And you already have had a past life together... um, only now do I understand this strong pull in you to go through with this... with the sacrifices you are probably going to have to make... but I'll have a look at that just now...
"Um, this child shows me... digging with a spade, planting trees... fixing Mother Earth... um, smelling the flowers... uh, digging a trench along... joining... uh, all to do with Nature... and the peace... and the freedom! This child... doesn't even need two parents... doesn't need... it's just a matter of getting to Earth... just a matter of getting to Earth... um, very independent later on.., ja, nice to have parents, great, love you, thanks... but I've got work to do... later on, OK? Very musical, very creative, but very earthy... earthy, earthy, earthy!
"Um, I think they [Mom & child?] tried to get you involved earlier on with a lady that... who could have a child, but it didn't quite work... did they? [Me: "There have been a couple... actually, four or five... but, for one or another reason, it didn't work out..."]... Aaah! They tried... they got these women who could have babies to cross your path... in case it kinda worked, y'know? So... um, please let me know what happens tomorrow [Caroline to do pregnancy test]... but, um, you often have to make love more than once to have a baby... so you often have to inseminate more than once... [Verna knew that it wasn't going to work first time!]... but they're not telling me... they won't tell me. But another baby's meant to be born... so, if it doesn't work out... this kid's got to come down... there's a higher purpose... a spiritual soul purpose for this kid...
And I'm not sure why there's this connection to you... but there is... uh, you're going to be like a guardian for this child... a guardian... you will set him down a certain path... that is creative thinking... um, so I can actually understand your point when you say you don't have to be there 24/7... but you're going to be more meaningful to the child than you realise... so, um, your Mom just put the little boy down to rest, I think it's a little boy... I can't be 100% sure but I think it's a boy... I think I think that because of all the things I saw... it's not to say a girl can't do all of that... but there's a very strong male energy... can't be sure... and they won't tell me 100%... in case you guys choose not to know... the sex."
Yes, these are the words that keep me believing. And I do believe. I know all of this to be true. In the meantime, as a mere earthling, I am in some weird sort of limbo, a place where I have cast my love - even my life - aside to walk the path that is before me. I am simply trying not to feel every bump on this journey... while I wait for my mother to find the right way - and right time - to deliver our boy to Caroline and I. And, hopefully, to Susan too.
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