'You can't always get what you want...'

I don't know about you but, when I find myself in certain circumstances, a quote or a song will often pop into my mind. And, quite irritatingly, conduct a noisy, if bloodless, coup and occupy my head for an inordinate amount of time. Like a whole day.
Today, it is a song. A Stones song. And I'm not even into the Rolling Stones. Anymore. It's this: "You can't always get what you want..."
Because I haven't been given what I want. And nor has Caroline. The third AI (artificial insemination) didn't work. Caro sent me a message late last night to say that it seemed her period was starting. This morning, a message to say that a home pregnancy test had produced "another negative".
I am gutted. We are. "Project Egg" has not worked. It hasn't given us the child we have so desperately searched for. As Caroline said, "We have put so much loving energy into this." We have. Right now, in the travel bag I carried home from Durban last week, are two tiny white baby garments, "Babygros" I think they're called.
Unusually, and movingly, Caroline gave them to me as a gift on Mother's Day. I think it was her way of putting some positive energy out there. Some belief. I have occasionally picked them up and held them, admired them and got a warm and fuzzy feeling, wondering when I will get the chance to put them on to a diminutive, pink-skinned, squirming wee body of flesh. My flesh and blood.

Not to be, it would seem. I am spinning and reeling with emotion. In an earlier post, I wrote of how "my Spiritualist Woman" had told me that my mother was holding a child for me in spirit, waiting for the right time to send "him" down. (Sorry, I must walk outside for some fresh air at this point.)
OK, so I had a smoke. And felt dizzy. And if this all seems a tad melodramatic, then too bad. This is my blog, OK? And I'd insert a little yellow "smiley face" here but I don't feel like it.
I'm feeling sad. Because so much went into Project Egg. Including my putting a beautiful relationship on hold. And at risk. I'm still not sure how that is going to turn out. Caroline also feels drained. her life has gone on hold for the past six months. We have agreed that she must now go back to it, her life. And me to mine.
When I went outside just now, a saying popped into my head, threatening to shove the Stones' line to one side. "Mother knows best." She always did. I have grown to know that as I have got older. And I know it now. But, Mom, (deep breath) give me a bloody break, for God's sake!
I'm feeling sad that Mom didn't think Project Egg was right. And I'm just feeling sad. But I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I am blessed. I am blessed with the knowledge that there are higher powers at work here. That there is a grand scheme of things, much grander and far-reaching than my wants and desires. "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans (thanks, John Lennon)."
And I have life. I don't have everything I want. But I am truly grateful for what I've got. I have life. And, in a strange and not completely understanding way, I love it. And every day, it begins anew. And so does hope.

(I wasn't planning to write so much. Or write it like I have. I probably should read and edit this blogpost, and change it into something less "melodramatic". But I won't. Publish and be Dad, I say!) Bye. For now.